I admit it. I’m a chronic law breaker.
On any given day, I’ve been known to drive over the posted speed limit, dash across the street outside the perimeter of a crosswalk, or answer my cell phone without my hands-free attachment. And just the other day, I broke the law six times in less than sixty seconds by ripping off the “Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law” tags on some decorative pillows I’d purchased for my client.
Most laws are put into place to keep us safe from harm and to protect the lives of others. But there are many laws, both new and archaic, that are downright ridiculous. Here is a small sampling of some dumb laws:
It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle unless the target is a whale.
Women may not drive in a house coat.
City Laws in California
Blythe:
You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. (Are you permitted to wear them if you own at least two boys?)
A man can’t go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
Indian Wells:
Drinking intoxicating cement is prohibited.
It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.
It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent. (With her consent it’s considered S&M, which is also illegal.)
It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
Toads may not be licked.
Zoot suits are prohibited.
It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss. (Is it legal for a boss to be alone in his room with his secretary?)
Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
Persons classified as “ugly” may not walk down any street.
It is illegal to sell your children.
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
One-armed piano players must perform for free.
Kisses may last for no more than five minutes.
City Laws:
The fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.
Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants.
Within the city limits, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know.
Hollow logs may not be sold.
More than 8 women may not live in the same house because that would constitute a brothel.
It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
City Laws
It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
You may not have more than five inoperable vehicles on a piece of property. (Yeah, right.)
It is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
It’s illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM.
Panhandlers must first obtain a $10 permit before begging on the streets of downtown Memphis
Males may not be sexually aroused in public.
An ordinance forbids anyone to sing the song “It Ain’t Goin’ To Rain No Mo’.
It is illegal not to drink milk.
It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon.
Birds have the right of way on all highways.
A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.
No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call…
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to run and make a citizen’s arrest. There’s a potential felony in progress between a labrador and a schnauzer on the front lawn of the school across the street.
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