CART BEFORE THE HORSE

There’s an old expression that says: Don’t put the cart before the horse. It’s a saying that unless you’re at least a half century old probably makes little sense because the last time most of us saw a cart and horse together it was in a travel ad for Amish tourism and the cart was more than likely following behind. But in my era, (and yes, it was an era of the combustible engine) it meant doing things ass backwards.

Like planning where you’ll spend the honeymoon before you’ve gone on the second date, or sending off for a Harvard info packet when your kid is four years old and still in diapers. Or buying that size four dress for your high school reunion when you’re still a size six and the reunion is only weeks away. Not that I have of course, I’m just sayin’.

Yes, I’ve done things in the past equally as silly, but I’ve put a new label on it. I call it: “Visioning.”

Recently, when my husband and I were house shopping, my visioning made me suggest we purchase a home in a gated community to help guard against any obsessed crazy fans that might want to break into our home once I become a famous author. I believe it was he who used the term “cart before the horse,” right before he gave me a look that implied the only crazy to fear was me.

My other visioning involved being interviewed by Oprah on her show to promote my book. I’ll admit I even eyeballed some blue blouses at the department store because a Google search revealed blue looks good on TV. Never mind the fact I’ve never been published, nor seen my name in print—if you don’t count my birth certificate and those credit card bills. Plus, that vision is a total bust now that Oprah is off the air.

And I’ve wasted hours mentally reviewing what I’d say to Howard Stern on his radio show. I even had an emotional debate on whether or not to show him my breasts if he asked. The jury is still out, but if I’m not on his show soon there’s a good chance the point will be moot because I’m sure Howard is not interested in geriatric ta-ta’s, no matter how well preserved they are.

Now you’ll have to excuse me, I’m in the middle of another visioning moment. There’s a fabulous designer dress on Ebay that would look great on the red carpet when I get that Best Screenplay Oscar.