DATING TIPS FOR SENIORS

Here’s a sobering statistic:

56% of American’s over the age of 53 have been divorced or widowed.

I’m happily married, and my husband’s as healthy as a horse, but it got me thinking how so many seniors are being forced back into the dating game. I’d imagine the rules have changed since “the good old days,” when kissing was called necking, and sex was called—well, I haven’t a clue what they called it because I’m old, but not that old, and I have no intention of calling my mother to ask.

What is considered proper subject matter over the shared blue plate special at Denny’s on a Wednesday night? Is it okay for men to discuss erectile dysfunction and women their leaky bladders? Can men ask the question: real or fake? (Teeth, not breasts,) and women ask: Which is larger, your bank account or your…No, not that—and get your mind out of the gutter. I was going to say—his vacation home in Phoenix.

I did some research to see if there were books or articles on this serious matter that’s currently keeping me up at night, and this is what I dug up:

The first search sent me to a book on Amazon titled, Senior’s Guide to the Dating Game by Dr. Peter J. Shield. I have to say, the cover threw me because it showed a twenty-something woman standing in the ocean wearing a fuchsia colored maillot bathing suit and over-accessorized with sun glasses, a gold metal belt, and a colorful woven shawl. Nothing much senior about it, except, maybe, that shawl.

Dr. Shield’s bio said he was a retired archeologist who had been married 7 times. Who else but an archeologist can dig up a woman to marry that many times? His book was a lengthy 76 pages, one page for each year of the doctor’s life, and shared tips on how elderly men could pick up on sexy young chicks. The single Amazon review read, “Quite one of the most remarkable stories of sex and adventure of someone who’s obviously been there and done it all!”

Really?

That visual is less than appealing, and how much you want to bet the good doctor wrote his own review? Certainly it wasn’t from one of his half dozen ex-wives.

An additional search brought me to a senior website for online dating. It listed nine mistakes most men make on internet dating sites. I’m going to have to paraphrase here, because the information was copyrighted back in 2007 and there’s a strong chance the people I’d need to get permission from are all now dead.

1. Post a nice picture that reflects your style and sense of humor. Do not send pictures of your “privates.” (Didn’t they just say to send a picture that shows their sense of humor?) Women will ask if they want to see. (I swear that’s what it says.)

2. Women like an intelligent person, so take some time to make sure your profile contains proper spelling and grammar. (Unless you are rich. Just make sure you get the zeros correct.)

3. Because a woman likes a little class, don’t choose a name that has a sexual innuendo unless you are on an adult dating site. (Are they assuming the men are on a child-dating site?)

4. Don’t use negative words, women like a positive person.

5. Women can get up to 100 emails a day from all sorts of men, so put some thought into it. (Those are some popular seniors. I3 years ago I posted pictures of myself in a bikini and I only got 20.)

6. Show women that you’re a caring person by giving her a chance to talk about herself. (Would the hearing aid be on or off?)

7. If you are married don’t lie, tell them from the beginning. Woman can feel this. (How refreshing—an old married guy, on a dating site who’s going to be honest about his intentions.)

8. Don’t keep sending messages if a woman tells you she’s not interested. She can complain you are harassing her. (I guess this explains the 100 emails a day.)

9. Don’t pretend you are willing to fly half way round the world to meet someone you’ve met online. Are you really going to get out of the chair and go and meet them? (If the guy’s not willing to get out of his chair it’s pretty much going to put the kibosh on dating, period, whether the woman lives in France, or next door.)

And then there were some common sense tips listed.

1. Don’t post pictures more than 20 years old. (Darn!)

2. Try and do a background check on the people you meet online. TheBadge.org will do free background checks on convicted felons and married people who join their site. (Funny, rule #7 said to just be honest, and now they lump married men in with felons.)

3. Meet in a public place for the first date. There is much less likelihood that something will happen in a public place. (And if something had happened in a public place, he’d now be a felon, and you’d know about it from doing that background research.)

4. Con artists and predators are very skilled at getting the information they need. You can give information you never intended to give. (But you’d have to remember it first, and memory is the second thing to go.)

5. And finally, if something doesn’t feel right, don’t proceed. Listen to your hunch. It could keep you out of a lot of trouble.

Follow these rules and you will increase the chances that your online dating adventure will be a safe and memorable one.



Lord, am I glad I’m married!

SOCIAL MEDIA

I can’t figure out my TV remote, I can barely use a computer, and the only blue tooth I’m familiar with is what happens to your teeth when you don’t brush. And the whole Social Media phenomena? In the words of a New Yorker, forgetaboudit.

I understand the basic concept: To interact with family, friends, and perfect strangers. But here’s where it gets muddy—in an attempt to do what, exactly? Reconnect? Network? To share the details of my latest meal, complete with a before picture of what it looked like when it arrived, and a close-up of the last bite before the waiter took away the dirty plate and dusted the crumbs from the table cloth?

Social media as a way to get laid; now, to me, that makes perfect sense. In that situation a picture really is worth a thousand words. Sort of a, you show me yours and I’ll show you mine, (and I swear I wrote this post before the whole Weinergate debacle.)

Recently, I took a Social Media class, because one, people were suddenly speaking a language I didn’t understand, and two, my daughters told me they didn’t have time to call, and if I wanted to see what was happening in their lives I needed to friend them on Facebook.

And so, there I was, learning the ins and outs of Facebook, blogging, and Twitter. I even sent out my first tweet. Later that same afternoon, I went to work and bragged to my co-workers about my achievement. Only, I confused my past tense verbs and told them I twatted, instead of tweeted. Now there’s a strong chance Human Resources will be getting in touch with me to review the Sexual Harassment in the Workplace page of the work manual.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t have the time necessary to keep up with all of it. I’m a nobody whose one step away from having to hire a social secretary to handle my correspondence with all these random strangers who suddenly are my “friends,”—few of whom I have anything in common with—like the man who’s a career diplomat, (I hate to tell him, but I wouldn’t know a diplomat from a laundromat) and those guys who follow me on Twitter and have that brewery in Texas, (I do, however, drink beer, so maybe I have something in common with them.)

I wonder if, years from now, someone will do a sociological study that reveals this new desperation to share our stories and connect with the world-at-large was due to a generation of children who felt their voices were never heard while growing up. Or maybe they had parents who never put up those god-awful grade school pictures on their living room walls, so they never felt seen. Maybe social media allows them the validation they lacked as a child, as they yammer on about the most ridiculous things and post those stupid pictures.

That’s all I have to say about social media, but stay tuned for my next blog. It’s going to be all about my extensive button collection, followed by a political rant and a religious tirade. I’ll get to it just as soon as I finish uploading to Facebook this terrific picture I took of myself facing the bathroom mirror.